Every...Single...Hour...I feel so needy

Wow, I can not believe its been over a year since I blogged! If you know me personally you probably realize thats because of the blessings in my business. Royal Icing has boomed and its a very rare I have a bake free day. This week however is slow and I've been feeling crummy physically, so I have some time off.

I have been feeling the pull to come back to blogging a lot lately. I tend to SHARE a lot of me on facebook. This drives my husband crazy, but its who I am. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I share joys and triumphs, I share battles and pains, I share our family...I honestly don't do it to say HEY LOOK AT ME! If you knew me growing up, I was very very shy. I wanted to be invisible. But as I've become an adult and Ive had struggles and overcome a lot of things as well, I have felt like most people seem to like the fact that I am so open. They may be going thru the same things I am. So I do it because I feel that when someone else is going thru what I'm going thru and they tell me about it, I don't feel so alone. None of us want to feel alone.

This year has been full of crazy ups and downs. I've shared a lot and I've kept a lot in. From the stresses of finances and feeling like change was so needed, but so far away, to the huge blessing of my husband's new job. From the joy of our first real family vacation that was a much needed break after months of non stop busy-ness, to loss of friends, family members, and heartbreak of family situations. And I know so many that have been going thru the same things. They get me, and I get them. We all need that.

One of my biggest blessings and biggest struggles at the same time is my business. Balancing everything with the success I've been blessed with. My cupcake business keeps me soooo busy and I feel so very blessed how far it has come. In my wildest dreams I couldn't have seen things go this fast! My goal for 2014 is to get those doors open to our storefront and I TRUST that it WILL happen! Even thru that blessing, I have fears. Not necessarily of success, I truly feel the Lord is not gonna set me up to fail. My fear is hiring people I trust, being a blessing to my customers, how long I'll have use of my hands due to my physical ailments that get worse all the time. My fear is how can I keep up with this and my family and not feel like I'm neglecting those that mean the most to me? My fear is, will they resent me? Its all put in my mind by Satan. Fear and Exhaustion are 2 of his biggest weapons against us.

I say all this because even in my times of greatest blessing, I need my Lord. I need Him every single minute of every day. My husband referred to my spiritual emotions to bipolar one day when I was really struggling. And it has stuck with me. I don't want to be that way in my faith in God. But he was right. We had just received word of GREAT blessing for our family, and also were dealing with some other struggles that were just honestly wearing me down. I felt sooooo high one minute and completely defeated less than an hour later. Why? Cause I wasn't trusting God enough. And Satan knew it. That nasty old devil really kicks you when you're down. I wasn't keeping the Lord with me at all times. I was questioning Him...Why would you make us feel like things are ok and then punch me in the gut, Lord? That's not what He was doing of course. But its how I justified my behavior and my lack of faith. I realized over the last few months that I can't pick up my faith and then drop it off whenever I feel like it. I need to hold on to it at all times. Keep the Lord with me AT ALL TIMES! I need HIM! I hate feeling needy, I really do. I don't like asking for help...I have TRUE anxiety over it. But, God says to ASK! He says to 'COME TO ME, JILL, YOU, WHO ARE WEARY AND HEAVY LADEN! I WILL GIVE YOU REST!!' So I'm trying my hardest to do that now. To let Him know on a daily, even sometimes hourly, basis that I need Him. Ohhhh how I need Him! Every Hour I NEED HIM! Don't be stubborn like me. Don't become wavering and unsteady in your faith. Hold strong and ask for help when you need Him to carry you! He is the only ONE who can. He is our ONE DEFENSE!



Lord, I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You're the One that guides my heart

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

Where sin runs deep Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
And where You are, Lord, I am free
Holiness is Christ in me

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

Teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus, You're my hope and stay

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

You're my one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

Even if...is He still good, to me?

The song that's been in my heart all week is a tough one to take. Its words are true, its message is real, but its hard. My song this week is Even If by Kutless. Here are the words in the chorus to start us off...

"Even if the healing doesn't come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn't come "

I can sing these words all day long when 'Life', my life, is going good. But what about when the tragic happens, or the dreams fail? Do I still believe it? My Bible tells me, "These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." John 16:33 I know that we are going to face trial, heartbreak, and tragedy while we are on this earth. I know that just because I love God and He loves me that my entire life isn't going to be gumdrops and roses all the time. Sin entered this world and when it did, with it came more sin...causing heartache, separation, and death. By the grace of God, He has offered us a Savior from our sins. And for those of us who accept His loving gift we will have eternity in His perfect presence someday. But we still have a rough road to travel in this earthly life of ours.

It seems lately so many people that I care about are dealing with tragedy, heartache, illness, and loss. So many good Christian people are going home to be with our Lord in what seems to us too early. So many people are dealing with pain that this life brings, losing loved ones, losing jobs and not knowing where their needs will come from, feeling like a failure, feeling lost and alone in this cruel world. Not all dreams come true and not all marriages last, not all households are perfect, and not all Christians are living the high life.
Now I know it is appointed that we all must die and there is no guaranteed age of 75 or 80. I know that God has His perfect reasons even when we don't understand. I have lost friends at a very young age and I just don't understand...even today I have struggles with why? I have personally seen such tragedies bring about glory in His name. If we allow Him to work and trust that although our heart hurts, He is in control-we can heal thru Him. I think of the Missionaries-the Cretzman family who while traveling on debutation last year were in a horrible accident. The mother was injured very badly and had to undergo multiple surgeries...their baby girl was fine, but their older toddler daughter was killed instantly. Just like that, a sheet of ice on the road changed their world forever. They could have said we need a break after this tragedy. Understandably they could have put their mission on hold. But thru their faith in God and their trust that even in this tragedy He is good and He is God and He is faithful and full of blessing, they carried on. They kept with their mission and they have seen soooo many come to Christ because of it, so many inspired people that have returned to their faith, so many who just were encouraged to keep on like them.

Today as there are so many sad and discouraging things going on around me, (I will be attending my 2nd & 3rd funeral in a week on Thursday), as people I love are hurting, my heart is breaking, and I keep trying to grab for the Hope only He can bring...I can say that I do believe these words. He is still good...He is God. God of my life. and I Trust Him. There have been times I haven't understood my God's ways. Times I am at my breaking point and I literally just scream and cry out to my Lord, WHY GOD, WHY!? WHERE ARE YOU?! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?! And ya know what...as bad as I feel for doubting Him, He always shows up. He always comes to calm my spirit and remind me that He's here...and HE's got this. He IS the Forever Faithful One. My Father...Even if the healing doesn't come.



Sometimes all we have to hold on to
Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That could never change who You are
And we trust in who You are

Even if the healing doesn't come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn't come
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/k/kutless/even+if_21003553.html ]
Lord we know your ways are not our ways
So we set our faith in who You are
Even though You reign high above us
You tenderly love us
We know Your heart
And we rest in who You are

You're still the Great and Mighty One
We trust You always
You're working all things for our good
We'll sing your praise

You are God and we will bless You
As the Good and Faithful One
You are God and we will bless You
Even if the healing doesn't come
Even if the healing doesn't come

Just the thought of His name...its where I find peace.

"Dear Lord...thank you for my blessings, Thank you for my salvation and even more for the salvation of my precious family. There is no greater blessing than knowing my husband, and boys and I will all be together for eternity. Thank you for everything you have given us on a daily basis, for putting up with my drama and my crazy, for loving me as your child even when I may treat you like a parent I'm trying desperately to rebel against. Thank you for my church and church family, for the hedge of protection you have around my household, and for my healthy children."

This is how I start my prayers at night...Trust me, after that comes a long list of Lord, please do this or give us this, or allow this...He deserves my praise just for putting up with me and being willing to listen to me whenever I call out His name.
The point of this post...Peace in my prayers...I have a severe problem with getting to sleep...unless I'm just to the point of passing out exhaustion, I can not go straight to sleep when I get to bed. Between pain and tingling from my fibromyalgia and a mind that never rests, because I'm honestly afraid I will miss some amazing precious moment in this short life, I have had many many sleepless nights. However, in the last couple of years, I have found rest in the name of Jesus. Not just saying His name, but praying in His name...I don't know what it is about prayer and talking to God, but it just gives me peace and sometimes I pass out in the middle of prayer. Maybe cause I talk to much, but I really think its from the peace I find there. I can not go to sleep without praying. Not that I ever should, but you know, you get busy, your mind wanders, and sometimes I forget. I literally toss and turn until it hits me...I haven't prayed. Sometimes it doesn't hit me till I've tossed around a good several hours...I've seen 3 & 4am before. But, As soon as I do...I'm out like a light! Like I said, sometimes I don't even get to finish. All I can say is its like God is saying, "Ok Jill, I was just waiting for you, now get some rest, my child." I love Him for that...My Big Daddy! He gives me love, He gives me heavenly hugs in times of sorrow and despair; and on sleepless nights, He gives me rest. If I'm not focusing on Him, I'm just hurting myself. I urge you, if you are restless and sleepless like I have been soooo much of my life, start talking to God. Even if it doesn't cause you to pass out, it can only bless you! You won't feel lonely and I guarantee you will gain more peace in your life. We all need that don't we? Especially in this world full of evil and fear. Your Father loves you...He wants to hear from you! He will give you rest...all that are weary and heavy laden. That's what He does.

This song isn't necessarily about praying before bed...but its a song of peace for me. The video is old, and the song is too...but this has to be my most favorite version of it ever. I feel such peace when I close my eyes and listen to this song. I hope you do to. It is well...with my soul.

I'm no quitter...

This post is gonna be a little different. I usually use a Christian song, or one that could be spiritual, but today I'm just feeling like a fighter. Its the fire in me that God blessed me with that makes me not quit. For the past couple of years I have been building a home based business with the goal of someday having a storefront cupcakery. Cupcakes are my passion in the workforce. I LOVE making new flavors, I LOVE striving to have the best tasting, cutest, most chic cupcakes out there and I'm determined to someday be the Starbucks of the Cupcake world. Since I started out on this endeavor I have received a lot of doubts and criticism, even from some family members, close friends, and church family. That hurts way worse than any criticism from a stranger. It isn't that they don't think my product is good...they just seem to think I'm dreaming too big. I'm not rich, I realize that, And I'm going to have to bust my tail every step of the way to make this thing happen because I don't just have the money to throw down and open shop. But I'm determined! I LOVE what I do! I love my family, and I love the support my husband and kids have for me on this journey. I won't quit, and I won't fail. So people can keep their words and thoughts flying at me, its not gonna break me. When it comes to this part of my life, I'm bulletproof. My skin is thicker than the daggers thrown at my heart. My will is stronger than the defeat some may think is in my future. You can get me mad all you want, But I will just fight harder. And when the day comes that I'm standing in front of my storefront with a ginormous pair of scissors to cut that BIG HOT PINK BOW on opening day, this song will be playing for EVERYONE to hear! I AM TITANIUM!

Ever wake up feeling like this?

Its Thursday...I need a pick-me-up! How 'bout you?
My allergies get worse every single year...So far I have had a headache for 5 days and now the pressure in my nose and under my eyes is sooo bad I feel like I'm gonna pass out about once every 10 minutes. Fabulous!

Needless to say, getting moving today is not so easy. And I have a cookie order to make for pick up late this afternoon, My son has a midweek football game tonight, then I have to go supply shopping and stay up all night making cupcakes for a small order and a big wedding order for tomorrow. I need to do it tonight so I have my day free until delivery...made plans already.

So here is my song...not because I'm feeling chipper just yet, But because I NEED TO! AND THIS IS THE SONG TO GET THE JOB DONE. Sometimes we need a good musical kick in the pants. =)

My cup runneth over...

This is a post that is gonna be nearly impossible for me to get thru without drowning my laptop with tears. But its one I need to get out...its a song in my heart and one I know a lot of others could benefit from as they may be dealing with similar struggles.

Laura Story-Blessings

This song...I can not listen to without feeling the presence of God. Which is awesome, and emotional, and something I need every single day. This past year has been full of blessings for my family...honestly when a lot of folks are struggling with jobs, finances, failing businesses, etc...my little household has been better off than ever. I praise God for His goodness! In the past year we have gone from being a 1 scary vehicle, (could drop dead on us at any moment in the fast lane)family to a 2 brand new cars with full warranties and no worries family. Granted the payments have forced me to drop my daily Starbucks habit and settle for Instant Vias and a treat now and then, less easy dining at restaurants, and less shopping for purses, clothes, etc...but we have been blessed to make it all work. My business, Royal Icing by Jillie, within the last year has probably grown 10 times the amount of work I was getting before. I was able to quit in home child-care to do my passion full time. We have become a licensed company, bought the rights to our (work still in progress) website and we are working towards a storefront. Next on our list is the house-hunt. Which after years of longing for a home to call our own, to have space, to decorate, and to settle into, is finally in our grasp and I trust it won't be too long now. To God be the Glory, great things He hath done!


So why do I need this song? Why do I need reminding every single day of His blessings when they are obviously all around me? Why do I still whine that life isn't fair?

Even when our life is full of blessing, we still all have our struggles. I struggle with pain-from fibromyalgia and blood disorders. I try really hard not to complain too much about it, especially publically, but I'm human and sometimes I just really get ticked off and tired of it. It's not fun. But I'm blessed. I couldn't be more blessed...I have an amazing Hubbalicious who loves me to the moon and back and back again! I have 2 adorable, rotten, hilarious boys that give me reason. We have alot of love packed into this tiny house! Life is GOOD.

My main spiritual struggle lately has been that of sorrow, confusion, and asking God why. You see, my Aunt Amy is just 10 years older than me. I grew up with her practically-much like the relationship my sister(10 years younger than me had). I looked up to her and wanted to be her. I was at her high school graduation and thought, wow, my aunt is awesome. I even wanted to be a Middie just cause she was.When she was young and worked at Meijer (the grocery store) and I was probably 8 or 9, I wanted to work at Meijer when I grew up. I thought everything she did was just the greatest and coolest. Now we are both wives and moms and busy Christians involved in our churches, and going about life. A couple of years ago my aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer. Well dang it, whats up with that! I had no doubt in my mind she was gonna fight this thing and kick its butt. I highlighted my hair pink in support of her when she had to shave her hair off after the affects of chemo. We all prayed and prayed for God's healing...and it came! He healed her body and Praise be to God she was whole again! God is good and He still does miracles.

Recently, Amy went in for some testing and it was discovered her cancer was indeed back. Not only that, but it has changed and is a different type of breast cancer, it has spread to her tailbone, hipbone, lung, and liver. Ok...more butt kicking and miracle working is in order. But then came the news none of us were ready for. This form of cancer has no cure. There isn't really a whole lot the medical world can do except pain management and possibly slow the growth. So as I thought about not only how much I love my aunt, but about her kids...her boys are close to the age of my boys and she has a daughter that recently graduated high school...how on earth is this fair??? Why should her babies have to know a life without her in it? At moments like that anger and frustration and even some obscenities can tend to fly thru your mind making a mess like the flying monkeys in the Wizard of OZ...taking away hope, and assurance, and blessings. My aunt thru this has been soooo tough. I know she must have her private times of Why's as well, but she has truly been a rock. She reminds us all that 'He's Got This!' God is in control, Jill...He's got this! I know it. In my heart, I know it. My human mind doesn't get it and doesn't know how to make sense of it and wants to just throw things and get mad. I'm kinda violent like that. But my heavenly heart knows that in all things, good and bad, they work together for good, to those that love God. And we love God! One thing I can say is this has caused a new love in my family...a reminder at how much we all mean to each other. Its only natural that as we grow up, grandparents pass away, we get married and have kids and all have our own lives, that families drift apart. Things get in the way and we don't see each other nearly as much as we once did. Times have changed, lives are busier, and the family suffers. But God has given us the blessing of love thru Amy. Our family has rallied together for her in prayer, in fundraising, in support, and in love. We have cried together, we have laughed together, we have played together,(dodgeball fundraiser), and prayed together...we have remembered family is important and God gave us that. We have found strength when some might think its impossible, faith where some might just give up, and hope in the promises of God that This IS NOT Our Home! None of us are going to be on this earth forever...but we have the hope of eternity together in Heaven. And that is the greatest blessing of all. Then I think of the possible blessings to come...the what if's. What if thru Amy, someone else in our family or friends, etc, comes to know Christ as their Savior? What if someone else is given strength and hope thru the strength and hope they see in Amy? What if her legacy is a witness to everyone who hears her name? What a blessing that is! What a way for God to use her life! What a way for God to bring blessings thru raindrops!

I still believe in miracles, I still pray for more time, healing, and love for my Aunt and our family. But this I know...His promises are true, His mercies unfailing, and His hope eternal. Blessings in disguise? Maybe...but blessings none the less.

Thank you, Lord, for hearing my cries, my disappointments, my sorrows, and not just tossing me away as a complaining child, but sending me comfort and hugs reminding me of the battles You have already won for us. Ok, I'm gonna stop now before the laptop shorts out on me from all the tear drops fallen.

I'm gonna post the lyrics to the song blessings below the video...because very word is precious.



We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

Let Everything That Has Breath Praise The Lord...

I haven't been here in a while, as you can see. Life gets in the way, busy and overwhelmed, The Outlet didn't remain a priority. But I need this 'Outlet'...my heart needs it. So I am back and committed to coming here to spill my heart again.

As you can probably tell by the whole outline of my Blogspot, music speaks to me. It is a great 'Outlet' for me, for my emotions, my struggles, my stresses, and my praise. Music of all kinds...I've had some of my most spiritual gut wrenching moments listening to a song that from its writer really didn't have anything to do with spiritual things. But its all in how we 'hear' it personally. Today's blog is dedicated to Praise music, and praising the Lord. This is something I've really been focusing on during my personal music time lately.

What is praise? How do we praise?

Part of Speech: noun
Definition: congratulations; ADORATION
Synonyms: acclaim, acclamation, ACCOLADE, APPLAUSE, APPRECIATION, approbation, approval, big hand, boost, bravo, celebration, cheer, cheering, citation, commendation, compliment, cry, DEVOTION, encomium, esteem, eulogy, exaltation, extolment, flattery, glorification, GLORY, good word, homage, hurrah, hymn, kudos*, laudation, obeisance, ovation, panegyric, pat on the back, plaudit, puff, rave, recognition, recommendation, regard, sycophancy, THANKS, tribute, worship

The dictionary has praise listed as a noun...Now its time to make it a verb. Make it something I DO...to the one who deserves all our glorification.

And especially today, 9/11, praising the Lord is something I need. I know in that day, many found God, but many also turned farther from Him, asking Where was God in such a horrible tragedy. He was as much there as He is here with us today. He was there guiding Airplane passengers, giving them the courage to fight back and prevent another HUGE catastrophe, He was there in the towers, making heroes and giving comfort. He was there in the hours after as many searched for loved ones and answers, He was there with our nation's leader, giving him the words to say to a broken country and the initiative to fight evil. He was there. This world is full of sin and evil...that isn't God's fault. God gave us a beautiful, perfect, sinless world...WE, MAN screwed up. God is no less deserving of our praise just because we couldn't get it right. So today, I lift Him up in praise. For the moments I feel His presence in my life, for the times I thought I was alone, only to suddenly feel His Big Daddy arms wrapped around me, whispering that it would all be ok, to the times that my life is going smooth and fabulous and I know it isn't because of anything I have done, but all His blessing.

I lift Him up for the praise He deserves...He woke me up this morning, He gave me the gift of love, My husband, my children, my family, my friends...without Him I have none of these. And even if I didn't have these, guess what I would still have? HIM! God, my Father, My Savior, My breath...

Romans 14:11
"For it is written, As I live, saith the Lord, every knee shall bow to me, and every tongue shall confess to God."

Here is my Praise song for the day...its an awesome song to just close your eyes to.