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Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Where do I even begin to start over? Lord help me...I need grace.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Finding my season...




Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

For the last several years I've been mom. Pretty much that has been my main role. Yes, also wife, but most of my day is spent as mom. Cameron started kindergarten yesterday. I knew it was going to be hard, I just didn't realize how extremely devastating it was going to be to my world. Yes, I've sent a child to kindergarten before. And I cried then and I loved days when he didn't have school. But I didn't get to be full time mom for Caedmon till 2 months before he started kindergarten. And Caedmon was such an independent child...I worried quite a bit less. Cameron has been home with me since birth. For the last 5 years I've been home with My Tater Tot and some would say I'm a bit over protective, of both the boys. I may be, but I'd rather be over-protective than careless. I love these 2 gifts from God so much! And now that they are both in school, I don't know what to do with myself. Of course I have house duties...blechhh! But emotionally, I am an absolute mess! I don't know who I am or what has happened to the level headed or the less teary-eyed me. She walked out on me I guess. I can't sleep, I feel sick every nite for the last several weeks, thinking about it all. I know there are other sides to me. There is the Christian, the wife, the cake lady...And although those things are in me, the mom in me just wants to go pick up my boy and keep him home. I'm not thinking completely rationally. And Im tired of every decision I make being questioned as if I don't know how to be a parent. Somehow me not wanting my child to ride a bus is everyone elses business and they think I'm stupid. So in comes the angry me. I've got to get ahold of my emotions. Sadness and anger are not a good combo. I've got to find my new season. I mean next year they will both be gone ALL day. What will I do then? I need my God to help me. I need guidance and love and for the arms of my Father to wrap around me and get me thru. Im praying for a hedge of protection around my children this school year and for forgiveness for all the time I took for granted and wasn't the best mother that I could have been while my children were at home more. May I never do that again! I don't have any idea where I'm going from here. But I'm listening for direction. A time to...?