Me...Transparant

"I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." Isaiah 41:13

"For God hath not given us a spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7

The last couple of years have been a true struggle with my health. When I first started going to the doctor for my severe anemia and the knots that were coming up under my arms and on my neck the dr told me he thought I had lymphoma. I was so scared. I mean, I'm too young for that, I had a 2 year old and an 8 year old, I couldn't have cancer. Thank the Lord he was wrong about that. I have severe pain from these knots, but nothing cancerous about them. I can live with that. However, the blood issue has been a constant struggle. My hematologist at my first consult told me he was shocked I hadn't developed lukemia and a whole list of things that didn't sound pleasant. Thanks for the pep talk, Doc! I'm so vitamin deficient that I'm now on iron transfusions and B-12 shots, chewable vitamins so they will be absorbed better, and still have to go to a nutrition specialist to try and resolve the rest of my deficiencies. I've had severe muscular pain for a long time and been tested for what seems like every disease out there. I've been to a rheumotologist who informed me that he was pretty sure what I had was Cushing's disease and what it involved. Holy Crap! Its some scary stuff! I would have had to have had brain surgery or chemo and radiation, or all that together if it had been that. Praise the Lord prayers are working and it wasn't Cushing's. However, that round of tests with the doctor and the things going on in my body really made me crazy...I'm talking straightjacket in a white padded room crazy. Dr's really shouldn't be able to tell you they 'think' you have something. They should just say they are gonna run some tests and we will see what they say. For over a month of testing I was having severe panic attacks. I wouldn't sleep, but maybe an hour or 2 in a 24 hour period and that wasn't usually consecutive. I would fall asleep and no sooner than I shut my eyes I'd wake up gasping for air, my heart pounding out of my chest, beating sooo fast and painful. I thought I was having a heart attack the first time. Accept I was cold and not sweaty and once I started deep breathing I was totally fine. It was so scary. This happened multiple times a week. I was a stressed out mess. I neglected my family. All I thought about was how I couldn't die and leave my kids behind, while at the same time I wasn't acting like I was living now with them. I cried so much. My relationship with God was suffering. Even for a couple weeks after the Cushing's was ruled out I was still having attacks because even still, they can't tell me what's wrong with my muscles and the problems involved. Fortunately its looking like PCOS and another treatable thing, but still not sure. I'm so thankful for good friends and my wonderful husband. I don't know how Id have made it out of those panic attacks without them. My 2 biggest sources of relief late at nite...My Maria...a dear sweet friend who knows exactly what I'm going thru and would talk to me just to keep me sane even if it was 3am. And Mikayla...one of my CP's that on the nite of what would be my last official panic attack talked me thru it and led me back to my Savior. Thank you so much my friends! You really have no idea how much you helped me. Thank you to my hubbalicious for not giving up on your insane wife! I love you and appreciate you so much. You are truly my best friend in the whole world! Thank you to my sons who are the greatest kids in the world and for loving your mom even when I wasn't deserving of a #1 mom coffee mug.
No I don't know what's to come and I'll admit, I still have my scared moments wondering what exactly is going on in my broken body, but as my sweet friend Amanda sang yesterday and was such a comfort to my spirit..."Many things about tomorrow, I don't seem to understand; But I know Who holds tomorrow, And I know Who holds my hand."

I'm so grateful for the Bible Study we are going thru right now and my continued growth in my relationship with my beautiful Savior! Where would I be without Christ holding my hand? I know God isn't finished with me yet. He has called me to His work and He promises where He begins a work in us He will be faithful to complete it. I trust Him! He hadn't let me down yet! I will live my life the rest of my days 'living' despite my trials. I have power, love, and a sound mind!


I don't know about tomorrow,
I just live from day to day.
I don't borrow from it's sunshine,
For it's skies may turn to gray.
I don't worry o'er the future,
For I know what Jesus said,
And today I'll walk beside Him,
For He knows what is ahead.

Refrain
Many things about tomorrow,
I don't seem to understand;
But I know Who holds tomorrow,
And I know Who holds my hand.

Ev'ry step is getting brighter,
As the golden stairs I climb;
Ev'ry burden's getting lighter;
Ev'ry cloud is silver lined.
There the sun is always shining,
There no tear will dim the eyes,
At the ending of the rainbow,
Where the mountains touch the sky.

Refrain
Many things about tomorrow,
I don't seem to understand;
But I know Who holds tomorrow,
And I know Who holds my hand.

I don't know about tomorrow,
It may bring me poverty;
But the One Who feeds the sparrow,
Is the One Who stands by me.
And the path that be my portion,
May be through the flame or flood,
But His presence goes before me,
And I'm covered with His blood.

Refrain
Many things about tomorrow,
I don't seem to understand;
But I know Who holds tomorrow,
And I know Who holds my hand.